Ok! Don’t quite know what to title this post but I am pressed to ask? Is love really all that matters?
A lot of the time, I hear people say that the reason they want to marry someone is that they love him or her. Even people who write to me for help in one area of their relationship or the other sometimes amuse me when they claim they love their partners and won’t mind going ahead even if their problems aren’t all solved, because according to them, no one is perfect!
Well, I agree that no one is perfect. Not even me! And I can’t also claim that I know it all when it comes to relationships. But I strongly believe that all human beings are not wired to deal with all kinds of imperfection. For some, dealing with a particular kind of imperfection may be a walkover than dealing with another kind of imperfection. As a married woman, I have come to terms that at certain times, the issue of whether you love your partner does not come into play. So this post is aimed at helping us point out some things that are red alerts even if your love for your partner is 100 %.
One of such issues is IMPOTENCY: now, I hear someone say that love conquers all. Well that may be true but let it be that you are aware of the problem and that you have also both decided to conquer the situation with your love. A situation where one of the parties in a relationship either hides the truth of their impotency from their partner or the other party even when they know tries to play it down by being “positive” without knowledge. I think that the best thing to do is to get ready for the worst outcome. Try checking how you will take it supposing it never gets to be reversed. Can you live without your own biological children, can you withstand the pressure from all angles? Are you both willing to try out other alternative programs like IVF, surrogacy etc. If you know that you are someone who by training or belief will want a child of your own, then maybe you should consult a counsellor on the appropriate way to end the relationship, instead of deceiving yourself with maxims like “God can do all things”, “we will get medical help”. Life is too short to be lived in frustration over an issue that may never be resolved.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: The next red alert is if you have ever been beaten by your partner: Now this is a huge red alert for me. You know why? Dating and courtship relationships should come with a level of initial butterfly feelings that makes your spouse want to do the unthinkable for you. Even though this does not ensure a happy relationship in the future, its absence sure shows that something is wrong. Experts in marriage has ascertained that feelings of mad love tend to wane as the marriage gets older, so don’t take it for granted if a guy instead of trying to give you the best he can give at this time, resorts to physically abusing you. I know sometimes people can find ways to excuse their partners, especially the ladies who have been psyched by the society that it was for something they did wrong, or that the guy may have truly been sorry for his actions, or that love is all that matters, or that with time, he is going to change, bla bla bla…
Please get this, when it comes to marriage, love is not enough. If a guy beats you during courtship, chances are he will do it again. Please do not ignore this caution sign. Ensure you sort this out. Take some time away from that relationship even if you do not want to end it immediately. But if there seems not to be any change of attitude or if he tries to justify it, PLEASE TAKE TO YOUR HEELS AND run as much as your legs can carry you.
LACK OF TRUST: Do you sometimes feel that you can’t trust your spouse. Do you find yourself imagining what he or she might be up to in the next minute? Feelings like this may be all that you need to bolt out of a relationship especially if you have tried communicating that to your spouse all to no avail. Sometimes, ‘I trust you’ may be a better complement than ‘I love you’. Don’t assume things will be alright. For whatever reason you can’t trust your partner, be it that he or she may have cheated on you? Or that they have had inconsistent behaviours in the past? Then it is something to be really worried about. So, convey the feeling and if it can’t be resolved, please find a way to conclude the relationship.
TRANSACTIONAL instead of TRANSFORMATIONAL: Relationship are expected to make you better as iron sharpens iron. When your partner insist that bills should be shared equally, house chores divided equally, or when he or she can only treat you right if you make them happy. Then you may have to have a rethink because you may be in a transactional kind of relationship. This is not something to ignore even when your love for the person is overflowing. You may need to talk to someone because there is more to marriage. In marriage, you need someone who is willing to help you out in your down moments, so, this may be a pointer to a future you do not want.
MEDICAL INCOMPATIBILITY: Now, this is the most commonly neglected caution sign because we are such a religious people. If a doctor confirms that both of you are genetically or medically incompatible, it is sheer foolishness and selfishness to want to go ahead with the marriage arrangement. This is of concern to me because in the long run, you will find that this incompatibility is not just about the two of you but about your future generation, your unborn children. Don’t be too selfish to agree to a marriage that will produce kids who will spend the better part of their lives struggling to survive from sickle cell Anemia. They will grow up to hate you for letting them go through those pains if they find out you could have avoided it. Instead, if your love is too strong that you can’t let go, then let it also drive you into deciding to not have kids at all. In that way, you will be paying the price of your decision alone. Someone can say they have faith that they will have healthy children, but the faith you may need may be to know that you are willing to have the sleepless nights and the agony and expenses of taking care of an anemic kid or children in some cases. Please get expert advice if you want to go on.
Finally, I have to conclude by saying that even though these are red alerts, but you need to know that caution signs are not meant to scare you, but to make you alert and tread more carefully. If you have any of this present in your relationship, you may need to talk to a counselor and of course you know I am ever ready to hear you out. So, please get in touch and share your story. Hope to hear from you soon.
Culled from Favourokoro. blogspot.com
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